Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
