Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
