I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
