You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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