Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
