So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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