I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I deserve this hangover.
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