the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
