If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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