why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
