Where did you get a picture of my penis
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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