Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
