he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
