When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is Oprah even human
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
