For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
