Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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