If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
