Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
