The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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