i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
