my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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