I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
