Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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