Duck Duck Cougar?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
