I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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