does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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