I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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