No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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