He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
