I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
