it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
