Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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