He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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