my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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