I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize