The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
