And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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