we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
