everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
