Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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