My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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