where am i from again
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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