How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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