Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
