So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
