Tell her she can't have a vagina
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
