Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
