Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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