True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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