I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
